We are having a busy week. With the kids both being in school, we are having Christmas parties and programs to go to. I am looking forward to all of it. Tonight we go to Bounceville, tomorrow is Halle's party, and her Christmas program is Friday. I don't know how she will do... Landon's is Friday as well. 

But this week has been hard as well. A time that should be happy is not for everyone. Erika's niece died Thursday. We went to her visitation last night. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I have never seen a child in a coffin before. I have never had to tell parents that I was sorry for their child dying at age 9. I saw grown men, who I have never ever hardly see show any emotion, look at her and break down. Kids, her friends, saying goodbye to her as they are sobbing. It just doesn't seem right. It was beautiful though. Everything was pink, her coffin lining, the flowers, her clothes. I am not a spiritual person, a good bit of the time I don't believe in God. Things like this is a reason why. But, as well, it is times like these, I hope with everything that I have that I am wrong. I hope that she is in heaven, that she is happy. That her soul is at peace and isn't just over, just like that. I can't imagine anything worse then burying your child. And having to stand there beside her and talk to people as they tell you how sorry they are, when all you want to do is climb in with her and go wherever it was she went. That is what I would want to do. 

Even with how hard we have things with Landon, I consider us so very lucky. I always have, because losing one of my kids has always been my biggest fear, and I knew I could deal with anything as long as they were still here, living and breathing. So he may have autism and I may be afraid of how his life will be, but at least he is here for me to watch grow up. Katlyn will never get to experience so much, and that makes me so sad. I don't know anything anyone could say or do to make the family feel better. All that helps is time; and even then, as a parent I don't think you ever really forget. You have to keep going for the remaining kids that you left. I hope that their pain does go away. eventually.

Pink is the color of this post, for Katlyn, who has gave me a hard reminder that life is precious, and to cherish my kids as much as humanly possible. She will be missed so very much.

   I am writing with a heavy heart today... This post is sort of about my kids; but mostly about my friend, Erika and her niece, Katlyn. Katlyn is 9 now I think. She was diagnosed with cancer when she was 4. She beat it and went on to have a normal life for a few years. A couple of months ago she went out of remission. She went back to St. Jude's. A few days ago she got an infection. It is a fungal infection that is destroying her body. They gave her antibiotics and it didn't work. They were forced to  put her on a ventilator and a feeding tube. They did surgery on her today, removed muscle and bone, anything to get the infection out. It is so aggressive that they just don't know what else to do for her. She is being given some white blood cells tomorrow to see if that will help, but I don't think they are hopeful. They want her mom to make a decision after that about taking her off the ventilator. Her left lung is not working because of the surgery. They are not ready for this, to let her go. I am worried about her and Erika of course. She has loved her and her sisters since she began dating Nick. I know this will destroy her and that family. I am really hoping that things will turn around. I don't believe in God, in a higher power. But at times like these, I hope I am wrong. I hope that with everyone praying for her, someone will listen. And if it is her time to go, that it will be as peaceful as possible. 

I feel horrible because all this time I am so glad that it is not my kid going through that. What we deal with is hard to do on a daily basis but I can't even imagine it compares to what she is going through. I am thankful that my kids are healthy. I am just thankful for them, period. 

It makes me feel trite complaining about Landon getting a cold again. In our defense though, we are so tired! He has never got over the last cold when this one has hit him. He is soooo tired from not sleeping enough, I think it made his body get this much easier. It wouldn't be a big deal if he didn't take it so severely! He starts out with a sore throat, which leads to an upset stomach, and vomiting all night long. He starts to teeter on the edge if becoming dehydrated because for days he won't eat or drink. He can't sleep, which is great since he is already exhausted. Then Halle gets it and is starts all over. It just takes a lot out of all of us, and I don't look forward to it. And it lasts forever! This last cold lasted for over a month. He had just now started to lose the cough he had. Ugh. And now with this he misses school. I just hopes he gets over it quickly. I want him to be able to enjoy all the Christmas stuff. 

I'm tired

I am tired today... so it will be short.  I was up a lot last night. Worrying. Another big change in our household; Halle started school today. So I was up a lot thinking of what exactly this means. 

It means that for 3 hours, 2 days a week, I will have some honest to goodness free time. I haven't had that in so long that I don't know what to do with myself. With it being the morning, I am afraid all I am going to want to do is sleep. But I am going to try not to (at least all the time :)). But the biggest meaning I can see right now is that my babies are growing up... It is not like they are going off to college or anything, but this is where is starts. They are joining the world, doing and experiencing things without me. Depending and loving someone who is not me. It is a big change. It makes me feel bittersweet. I want this for them and for me and I know it has to happen, but it makes me feel empty too. Like I don't have a purpose and soon when they are both in school, I am afraid I am going to be lost. So that is what I am feeling today.

Halle, of course, did not like me when it was time for me to go... she actually yelled at me and screamed in my face, she was so mad. I finally just had to leave and I could hear her all the way down the hall. I came home and cried for a while. I felt terrible; I didn't want her to hate me. I didn't want to come back and see a look of distrust from her, like she could no longer count on me because I would leave her. I know it is silly, but who knows what they think at 3? I want her to be happy and well adjusted and normal. I know it will take time, I have been hearing it enough. But no one has to go through this but me. And right now, it sucks. 

Landon, on the other hand, had a great day today. My mom took him to school this morning so I could spend some time with Halle. He did okay with that. I was surprised to come into the room with his lead teacher and speech therapist rushing up to me and eager to tell me that he actually played with 3 boys today. Count them: not 1, not 2, but 3! Landon! He let them play with him and even spoke to them first... I was amazed and overjoyed. I have waited a long time to hear that: that he is on the way to having little slivers of normalcy. And what was even more fantastic was that the teachers were just as happy and proud as I was. It makes me feel even better about leaving him there. I know, it could have been an isolated incident and there is no telling when he will do it again. But the main thing is it happened at all. I am proud of him. And hopefully, it is just one time of many that he will be social. I am looking forward to finding out.

Hard day

So, it has been a bad day. Just an all around crappy one. Let's review:

I have to wake up early today. Landon had therapy at 11 and to make sure it got a decent amount of time in at school before I had to pick him up, he had to get up and get there earlier then usual. He was not happy. He gave me attitude about getting him up. He wouldn't drink his yogurt drink because he was coughing and wanted water. Never mind the fact that he needed that drink because it had his medicine in it to help him go to the bathroom, his stomach has been so bloated his pants won't button. (Just another lovely side effect of autism.) So I dump it out and get him water. He won't eat his breakfast because his nose is stuffy. So he is crying which makes it worse. So I dump it all in a bag and tell him he can just eat it at school.

He doesn't want to get dressed; he wants to look at the cats outside. So I am trying to get him dressed, brush his teeth and get all his stuff together. On the way to school, he starts complaining his stomach is hurting. We get to school and he flips out. I was completely caught off guard. He was okay last week. He wasn't thrilled, but he never cried. Well he did today. He cried and threw himself at me and clung to me. He refused to let me walk out the door. I didn't know what to do! I tried reasoning with him and telling him he wouldn't be there long today. He didn't care. He kept saying his stomach was still hurting so I asked him if he wanted me to go home and get some medicine. He said yes. So I drove all the way back home and got it and came back. He was eating breakfast. As soon as he saw me he got upset. I gave him some medicine and tried to soothe him. He kept complaining it was still hurting. I told him to give it a chance to work. He didn't want to and started becoming really agitated. The teacher finally came over and distracted him by asking him to play with her. I slipped out, feeling like a failure. 

I got back and got Halle up, fed her breakfast. By the time I got back home my whole plan of having him stay and get some school time in was shot to hell; he only had a little over an hour before I had to go back and get him. I took a shower, got dressed, got Halle ready and their things together. I picked Landon up, who informed me he was feeling better. We hauled ass to make it to therapy, while getting behind every slow person in the world. He enjoyed therapy at least. Although in the car, and the rest of the day, he and Halle have been at each others throats and have been obnoxious to me as well! Lunch went well, until Landon started complaining about his stomach hurting again. Halle wouldn't nap, but at least Landon did. It is all cold and rainy today. I want to crawl in the bed and shut out the world. No one is listening today, well more then usual. The only consolation I have is that it is a short week. Then I get to go through all of this again after him being out of school for so long, and Halle starting school... fun times.

This week

It has been a crazy past few days... we finally had Landon's IEP meeting Friday and they told us he would start school Monday (yesterday). I was nervous all weekend, for me and for him. Monday I took him and stayed with him for about 30 minutes. He seemed apprehensive about me leaving, but didn't cry. I did though, as soon as I got to the car. I pulled it together, other then just feeling gloomy all day. He didn't go all day because he had therapy at noon, so I think it was a nice way to ease him in. They said he did well. I figured he would, I was only gone around 3 hours. I was more worried about today when he would be there all day. And today was rough. Not as bad as yesterday, frankly I didn't have time to be upset. I had to do the usual and get up and dressed and get them both up, so we were running out the door 5 minutes before we were supposed to be there; good thing we live so close! He was still a little scared I think, he wanted to know exactly where I was going and when I was going to be back... but he walked off and started to play.

Halle and I had a good time at our play date. It was nice to be able to concentrate on her and not have to worry about Landon getting upset or overstimulated by the other kids. We made Mickey Mouse ears. :) And of course, ate lots of food! I think she misses Landon; she is always happy to see him. I am still waiting on the director of her possible preschool to call. She called when I was at our play date and I didn't get any reception. I called back but she was gone. She said on the message that they only had 2 day spots open. I was kind of disappointed about that but it is better then nothing. I can always get her into a 3 or 5 day spot for next year. 

I picked Landon up today and they said nap time was a bit of a problem. I knew it would be, he is used to sleeping alone in his room. She said he was upset about it and he told me about it too. The assistant stayed with him until he fell asleep. I am sure it will just take some getting used to. The only thing that bugged me was when I got in the car and realized they got his food all over his clothes. He even still had ground up food on the seat of his pants where he had sat and squished it in and no one had bothered to wipe it off. It was all over the place. I don't think they used the bib we sent, that is what catches all the food. So I am going to say something tomorrow. Don't want to sound like super bitch, but that was spaghetti sauce, I don't want all of his clothes ruined. I got them home and put some spray and wash on them so I think they are ok. But still...

Well enough for today!

Big changes ahead

We went for our testing last week. I am happy to say Landon did great! He rarely had to be around the lady who upset him so bad and when he was he did okay. But he was very cooperative and passed his vision and hearing tests. The speech therapist said that he will need some therapy, with answering questions the right way instead of repeating the phrase and also with pragmatic language, she thinks he has the language of a 3 year old. But is confident by kindergarten he will be caught up. They won't be able to accept him there because he is more advanced then the kids that go there, so they are going to put him in another place that has half "normal" kids and half mild to moderate special needs kids. It is much closer to our house, which is good. 

We went and took a tour today. It seemed nice; and everyone there was pleasant, the kids looked happy. The only thing I am apprehensive about is that it is so long, from 7:30 to 2:30, 5 days a week. That is a big change for us. I know he needs it, but I am still worried. :( And I will miss him sooooo much. She offered to see if there was a spot for Halle, but that is a lot of money a week. I would love to get a job to pay for it, but I just don't know of a place that will let me have that kind of hours and I have no one to watch them on their breaks or when they are sick. So I don't know what to do. I guess I will have to keep her at home for now until I can figure something else out. I am so bummed, I would love to let her go to preschool, I think she would love it, once she got over me leaving her!

I went to an autism workshop yesterday; it was very informative. It was mainly centered around getting autistic children to play with others, starting with their parents. Also showing them the "correct" way to play with things since their brains can't figure it out, they show sequences and breaking things down to where they can understand them, things that come easily for other kids. I also met a lot of other great people attending for their students, children, grandchildren. It felt great being around people I could identify with and knew what I was going through. 

Well, Landon's IEP meeting set up for next week, so we will know more after that; when he will get to start preschool and how kindergarten will go. Will update more then; off to autistic family therapy!

Hump Day

It's Wednesday; that means the week is almost over. Therapy was good today; he had Ms. Anna, who I think he may be just a little bit in love with. :) She is an OT student. He does very well with her though, made something else, and got sticky with some glue and glitter, which is hard for him to touch. He wanted it off when we got home, but that was a whole 30 minutes of still having it on, she considered it progress... he also walked on the balance beam all by himself eventually. The pattern we find is he is really hesitant to do things, but give him some time and he eventually does it. He just works at his own pace. 

We go for his testing Friday; I HOPE it goes well, after what happened with that woman when we went last week, I am afraid. But he is having a good week, so hopefully everything will work out! Halle is still feeling better, I am thinking it was her teeth, so hopefully he will not get sick, and we won't have to cancel, I was worried about that!

I am so excited, Monday I am going to an autism workshop, and it is actually free from the autism society of NC. My mom and grandma are going to switch off on watching the kids, and while I think Halle will have a hard time, I am hoping she will manage to get through the day.