It means that for 3 hours, 2 days a week, I will have some honest to goodness free time. I haven't had that in so long that I don't know what to do with myself. With it being the morning, I am afraid all I am going to want to do is sleep. But I am going to try not to (at least all the time :)). But the biggest meaning I can see right now is that my babies are growing up... It is not like they are going off to college or anything, but this is where is starts. They are joining the world, doing and experiencing things without me. Depending and loving someone who is not me. It is a big change. It makes me feel bittersweet. I want this for them and for me and I know it has to happen, but it makes me feel empty too. Like I don't have a purpose and soon when they are both in school, I am afraid I am going to be lost. So that is what I am feeling today.
Halle, of course, did not like me when it was time for me to go... she actually yelled at me and screamed in my face, she was so mad. I finally just had to leave and I could hear her all the way down the hall. I came home and cried for a while. I felt terrible; I didn't want her to hate me. I didn't want to come back and see a look of distrust from her, like she could no longer count on me because I would leave her. I know it is silly, but who knows what they think at 3? I want her to be happy and well adjusted and normal. I know it will take time, I have been hearing it enough. But no one has to go through this but me. And right now, it sucks.
Landon, on the other hand, had a great day today. My mom took him to school this morning so I could spend some time with Halle. He did okay with that. I was surprised to come into the room with his lead teacher and speech therapist rushing up to me and eager to tell me that he actually played with 3 boys today. Count them: not 1, not 2, but 3! Landon! He let them play with him and even spoke to them first... I was amazed and overjoyed. I have waited a long time to hear that: that he is on the way to having little slivers of normalcy. And what was even more fantastic was that the teachers were just as happy and proud as I was. It makes me feel even better about leaving him there. I know, it could have been an isolated incident and there is no telling when he will do it again. But the main thing is it happened at all. I am proud of him. And hopefully, it is just one time of many that he will be social. I am looking forward to finding out.
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