Just don't know.

So, I am having a "day" today. Which is not uncommon by Thursday I guess. I have been so tired this week, and lack of sleep makes me grouchy. I even come home and sleep when I drop Halle off, and it helps, but never enough! Ugh. I get so irritated with even myself. 

And I am so irritated with Landon this week. Every since he has been back at school, he refuses to pee during the day, even in his pullup. So when he finally does, either at home or when they are sleeping, he goes so much that he leaks everywhere. So we have been going through 2 pair of pants a day. The thing is I know that he can do it. He is holding it so well, for such long periods of time, he knows what it is all about, it is not like he doesn't understand it, he just WON"T do it. I have tried to be patient and not pressure him, even though he is almost 5 and his sister is 3 and she is going fine to the potty. I keep in mind that he has autism and that they take longer to potty train. But he is getting so intelligent about things, and I really do think that this is just sheer stubbornness of not wanting to do it, because it is something new and he hates change. I think that once he did it, he would be fine, just like he does about everything else that he is afraid to try. He was afraid of the headphones and microphones, but once he did it, he was fine. I know he gets his stubbornness from me, isn't that ironic. It is just getting him to take that first leap. I try to explain things to him, and to get him to talk to me, and he just shuts down. I don't want him to be in kindergarten and not be potty trained. It is going to be bad enough because he is socially awkward, and not able to catch onto things as fast as other kids, I don't want to add to it. So right now, I am making him wear underwear instead of a pullup. He doesn't want to pee in it either, because he hates being wet, but he still won't go on the potty. I have tried bribing him with chocolate if he does go, and he still won't. He is driving me crazy. 

And of course I have to work tonight, and not get home until around midnight, then get up with Halle tomorrow because she has no school, then go BACK to work Friday. So, I am not seeing a good end to this day.

Mondays...

Well, it is another Monday! This one isn't as mad as some! Our first loop of therapy is finally over! We go back for our next loop at the end of Feb. I am happy to do anything he needs me to do, but I know the driving there every day and doing that for 3 weeks was draining on both of us. He did very well though, I was really proud of him. Now he is back at school all day. I am a little bothered; he is not going to the bathroom there, even in his pull up. So he is holding his pee all day and waiting until he gets home to go, so he leaks all over the place of course. I am not sure what to do about it though. Halle and I went back to a play date today as well. We had a good time. We are supposed to look over the next few weeks to see if Landon has had any improvements. They aren't guaranteed of course, and I don't want to get my hopes up, but I really hope that this therapy is going to help him, even a little. 

Thursday

Been a while since I have been on here... Christmas came and went. I am not a big holiday person. I hate the stress of it all, the crowds, the pressure, the getting together with people you don't like and who really don't like you. But I always make an effort for my kids. They were excited this year, I guess because they are getting older. They were excited to open presents, and that made me happy. The day was long though. But I am glad they enjoyed themselves.

Now it is back to school and regular life. Landon started his Tomatis this week. And it has been a really long week. He wasn't thrilled about doing it, which I figured he wouldn't. He is having wear headphones with things playing in them. He is really trying though. He always keeps them on, no matter how irritated he becomes. It is so daunting. We have to do this every day for 3 weeks, 2 hours a day, 3 of those days Halle is with me and she is so bored. It is too far to drive back home, or go anywhere really. So we are stuck there. I actually enjoy the quiet time when she is at school and I go alone. I bring a book and my IPOD and zone out. By the time I get there on those days, I need it! I have to do so much running around all before then. I still take him to school for an hour or so, so I have to get them up and take him, come home and get her, take her to school, come home and get ready, go get him and drive there, then drive and pick her up and go home. 

Their schedule is all out of wack. I am having to get them up earlier so he can get to school earlier, and they hate it. He is so tired when he comes home and I let them nap, but he doesn't want to get up from that. By the time he is fully awake more time has gone by and then he doesn't want to sleep at night, Halle too. Then they are tired when they wake up in the morning and it starts all over again. That and they both have nagging coughs, Halle's especially has been keeping her up. Last night she didn't fall asleep till midnight, and had to get up at 7:45. She was not happy. I guess it is left over from their last cold, but I don't know what to do for it. Hopefully he will pass and their sleeping will straighten out. Today they woke up at a decent time, so they should be ready for bed tonight. I know I am!

I am so tired. I can't catch up on sleep for the life of me... even when I am dead tired when I go to bed I can't fall asleep. Then night before last it was really windy and the power went off. Landon can't sleep without his fan on, so he was up till 1. He wouldn't sleep in my bed because Halle was snoring, so we had to sleep in his bed. I could not get comfortable to save my life. Then he was up by like 7:30... We had to go everything in the dark and I had to leave with wet hair in the cold. I was really pissy that day! But I am doing better today. I am so glad tomorrow is Friday. I need a break from all the madness and I think Landon does too. 

I feel guilty taking him from his class, I know he is going to be missing a lot of fun things. I hope this works, and I haven't made the wrong decision. I think that is one of the things keeping me up at night. I know I would regret it if I didn't try, so I try not to feel too bad about it. Everyone I have ever talk to swears it has helped their child in some way. We will see I guess.

We are having a busy week. With the kids both being in school, we are having Christmas parties and programs to go to. I am looking forward to all of it. Tonight we go to Bounceville, tomorrow is Halle's party, and her Christmas program is Friday. I don't know how she will do... Landon's is Friday as well. 

But this week has been hard as well. A time that should be happy is not for everyone. Erika's niece died Thursday. We went to her visitation last night. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I have never seen a child in a coffin before. I have never had to tell parents that I was sorry for their child dying at age 9. I saw grown men, who I have never ever hardly see show any emotion, look at her and break down. Kids, her friends, saying goodbye to her as they are sobbing. It just doesn't seem right. It was beautiful though. Everything was pink, her coffin lining, the flowers, her clothes. I am not a spiritual person, a good bit of the time I don't believe in God. Things like this is a reason why. But, as well, it is times like these, I hope with everything that I have that I am wrong. I hope that she is in heaven, that she is happy. That her soul is at peace and isn't just over, just like that. I can't imagine anything worse then burying your child. And having to stand there beside her and talk to people as they tell you how sorry they are, when all you want to do is climb in with her and go wherever it was she went. That is what I would want to do. 

Even with how hard we have things with Landon, I consider us so very lucky. I always have, because losing one of my kids has always been my biggest fear, and I knew I could deal with anything as long as they were still here, living and breathing. So he may have autism and I may be afraid of how his life will be, but at least he is here for me to watch grow up. Katlyn will never get to experience so much, and that makes me so sad. I don't know anything anyone could say or do to make the family feel better. All that helps is time; and even then, as a parent I don't think you ever really forget. You have to keep going for the remaining kids that you left. I hope that their pain does go away. eventually.

Pink is the color of this post, for Katlyn, who has gave me a hard reminder that life is precious, and to cherish my kids as much as humanly possible. She will be missed so very much.

   I am writing with a heavy heart today... This post is sort of about my kids; but mostly about my friend, Erika and her niece, Katlyn. Katlyn is 9 now I think. She was diagnosed with cancer when she was 4. She beat it and went on to have a normal life for a few years. A couple of months ago she went out of remission. She went back to St. Jude's. A few days ago she got an infection. It is a fungal infection that is destroying her body. They gave her antibiotics and it didn't work. They were forced to  put her on a ventilator and a feeding tube. They did surgery on her today, removed muscle and bone, anything to get the infection out. It is so aggressive that they just don't know what else to do for her. She is being given some white blood cells tomorrow to see if that will help, but I don't think they are hopeful. They want her mom to make a decision after that about taking her off the ventilator. Her left lung is not working because of the surgery. They are not ready for this, to let her go. I am worried about her and Erika of course. She has loved her and her sisters since she began dating Nick. I know this will destroy her and that family. I am really hoping that things will turn around. I don't believe in God, in a higher power. But at times like these, I hope I am wrong. I hope that with everyone praying for her, someone will listen. And if it is her time to go, that it will be as peaceful as possible. 

I feel horrible because all this time I am so glad that it is not my kid going through that. What we deal with is hard to do on a daily basis but I can't even imagine it compares to what she is going through. I am thankful that my kids are healthy. I am just thankful for them, period. 

It makes me feel trite complaining about Landon getting a cold again. In our defense though, we are so tired! He has never got over the last cold when this one has hit him. He is soooo tired from not sleeping enough, I think it made his body get this much easier. It wouldn't be a big deal if he didn't take it so severely! He starts out with a sore throat, which leads to an upset stomach, and vomiting all night long. He starts to teeter on the edge if becoming dehydrated because for days he won't eat or drink. He can't sleep, which is great since he is already exhausted. Then Halle gets it and is starts all over. It just takes a lot out of all of us, and I don't look forward to it. And it lasts forever! This last cold lasted for over a month. He had just now started to lose the cough he had. Ugh. And now with this he misses school. I just hopes he gets over it quickly. I want him to be able to enjoy all the Christmas stuff. 

I'm tired

I am tired today... so it will be short.  I was up a lot last night. Worrying. Another big change in our household; Halle started school today. So I was up a lot thinking of what exactly this means. 

It means that for 3 hours, 2 days a week, I will have some honest to goodness free time. I haven't had that in so long that I don't know what to do with myself. With it being the morning, I am afraid all I am going to want to do is sleep. But I am going to try not to (at least all the time :)). But the biggest meaning I can see right now is that my babies are growing up... It is not like they are going off to college or anything, but this is where is starts. They are joining the world, doing and experiencing things without me. Depending and loving someone who is not me. It is a big change. It makes me feel bittersweet. I want this for them and for me and I know it has to happen, but it makes me feel empty too. Like I don't have a purpose and soon when they are both in school, I am afraid I am going to be lost. So that is what I am feeling today.

Halle, of course, did not like me when it was time for me to go... she actually yelled at me and screamed in my face, she was so mad. I finally just had to leave and I could hear her all the way down the hall. I came home and cried for a while. I felt terrible; I didn't want her to hate me. I didn't want to come back and see a look of distrust from her, like she could no longer count on me because I would leave her. I know it is silly, but who knows what they think at 3? I want her to be happy and well adjusted and normal. I know it will take time, I have been hearing it enough. But no one has to go through this but me. And right now, it sucks. 

Landon, on the other hand, had a great day today. My mom took him to school this morning so I could spend some time with Halle. He did okay with that. I was surprised to come into the room with his lead teacher and speech therapist rushing up to me and eager to tell me that he actually played with 3 boys today. Count them: not 1, not 2, but 3! Landon! He let them play with him and even spoke to them first... I was amazed and overjoyed. I have waited a long time to hear that: that he is on the way to having little slivers of normalcy. And what was even more fantastic was that the teachers were just as happy and proud as I was. It makes me feel even better about leaving him there. I know, it could have been an isolated incident and there is no telling when he will do it again. But the main thing is it happened at all. I am proud of him. And hopefully, it is just one time of many that he will be social. I am looking forward to finding out.

Hard day

So, it has been a bad day. Just an all around crappy one. Let's review:

I have to wake up early today. Landon had therapy at 11 and to make sure it got a decent amount of time in at school before I had to pick him up, he had to get up and get there earlier then usual. He was not happy. He gave me attitude about getting him up. He wouldn't drink his yogurt drink because he was coughing and wanted water. Never mind the fact that he needed that drink because it had his medicine in it to help him go to the bathroom, his stomach has been so bloated his pants won't button. (Just another lovely side effect of autism.) So I dump it out and get him water. He won't eat his breakfast because his nose is stuffy. So he is crying which makes it worse. So I dump it all in a bag and tell him he can just eat it at school.

He doesn't want to get dressed; he wants to look at the cats outside. So I am trying to get him dressed, brush his teeth and get all his stuff together. On the way to school, he starts complaining his stomach is hurting. We get to school and he flips out. I was completely caught off guard. He was okay last week. He wasn't thrilled, but he never cried. Well he did today. He cried and threw himself at me and clung to me. He refused to let me walk out the door. I didn't know what to do! I tried reasoning with him and telling him he wouldn't be there long today. He didn't care. He kept saying his stomach was still hurting so I asked him if he wanted me to go home and get some medicine. He said yes. So I drove all the way back home and got it and came back. He was eating breakfast. As soon as he saw me he got upset. I gave him some medicine and tried to soothe him. He kept complaining it was still hurting. I told him to give it a chance to work. He didn't want to and started becoming really agitated. The teacher finally came over and distracted him by asking him to play with her. I slipped out, feeling like a failure. 

I got back and got Halle up, fed her breakfast. By the time I got back home my whole plan of having him stay and get some school time in was shot to hell; he only had a little over an hour before I had to go back and get him. I took a shower, got dressed, got Halle ready and their things together. I picked Landon up, who informed me he was feeling better. We hauled ass to make it to therapy, while getting behind every slow person in the world. He enjoyed therapy at least. Although in the car, and the rest of the day, he and Halle have been at each others throats and have been obnoxious to me as well! Lunch went well, until Landon started complaining about his stomach hurting again. Halle wouldn't nap, but at least Landon did. It is all cold and rainy today. I want to crawl in the bed and shut out the world. No one is listening today, well more then usual. The only consolation I have is that it is a short week. Then I get to go through all of this again after him being out of school for so long, and Halle starting school... fun times.