Hump Day

It's Wednesday; that means the week is almost over. Therapy was good today; he had Ms. Anna, who I think he may be just a little bit in love with. :) She is an OT student. He does very well with her though, made something else, and got sticky with some glue and glitter, which is hard for him to touch. He wanted it off when we got home, but that was a whole 30 minutes of still having it on, she considered it progress... he also walked on the balance beam all by himself eventually. The pattern we find is he is really hesitant to do things, but give him some time and he eventually does it. He just works at his own pace. 

We go for his testing Friday; I HOPE it goes well, after what happened with that woman when we went last week, I am afraid. But he is having a good week, so hopefully everything will work out! Halle is still feeling better, I am thinking it was her teeth, so hopefully he will not get sick, and we won't have to cancel, I was worried about that!

I am so excited, Monday I am going to an autism workshop, and it is actually free from the autism society of NC. My mom and grandma are going to switch off on watching the kids, and while I think Halle will have a hard time, I am hoping she will manage to get through the day. 

Been a while

Sorry it's been a while. We have had a lot going on! Therapy has been going well, the only thing that bugs me is he has someone new almost every time and it throws him. He eventually adjusts and it is all people that he has had in the past and I know they can't help it, but still... He is a bit agitated more because he is in there at the same time another severely autistic child is getting listening therapy and he hates putting on his ear phones, so he screams bloody murder. I know he can't help it, but it is loud, I can hear him all the way up front, I can't imagine how Landon feels being closer to him. I am sure it makes it hard for him to concentrate. Hopefully his loop will be over soon and he can get a break from all the screaming. I have no doubt when it is his turn for that, he will be doing the same thing!

I met with the director of the exceptional children's preschool too. She was very nice and we got to see the classroom he could be in. His testing his scheduled for Friday. After that they will develop an IEP for him, which will show how he learns best and he might be able to start class soon. She thinks his would probably be in the afternoon for a couple of hours. They have one main teacher and 2 assistants. I don't know what happened, I am sure that it wasn't meant to be taken wrong, but it is me, so I did take it wrong: when we were in her office Landon plugged in a fan and she jumped on him about it  before I could say anything to him. I thought it was inappropriate that she do that when his parent was right there and she was too harsh for such a little thing. Not that I think he needs to get away with murder, because he doesn't at home, but like I said, I should have handled it. She only knew him for about 10 minutes before that, she didn't know how to approach him or to treat him, he doesn't need that much sternness, she hurt his feelings with her tone and he was in tears. I tried to explain it to him and reassure him, but he didn't care, he wanted to leave. I am worried, because of the fact that he forgets nothing, that when we have to go back for testing, he will become upset because that is all he is going to remember, and that he won't test well and it will affect everything because she will be there and all he remembers is she yelled at him. I don't want to start off on the wrong foot with these people; and have Landon suffer for it because they are under the assumption that I am just a bitch and stop listening to me, but I was really bothered by that. I don't think she is a mean person and it wasn't meant to by hateful, but he is not a regular child, he can't be treated like one. 

We also met with a family therapist who is supposed to help us deal with all of this, the kids included. I think it will be good for us, although she is a little dry to be a therapist who deals with kids... I think I just wasn't liking anyone this week! Maybe next week will be better... I don't want to be known as impossible, but this is so important, these first steps we are taking affect him and us more then I can say. I don't want to be responsible for ruining his life or delay him because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. He is my first priority, always.

We went back to our play groups this week. It is the first time scheduling has allowed us to go; that and with people being sick. Landon still had a hard time; he doesn't do well with younger kids crying. I don't know what to do in those situations, I feel guilty, like I am putting everyone at unease. I don't want people to dread when we come and I have honestly thought about just quitting. But Halle needs it so much. She is not in preschool and needs to be around other kids. She loves to go. I wish there were 2 of me! 

Speaking of Halle, she has been going to the potty! All of a sudden last week she started pulling down her pants and saying she needed to go. She has been going every day for a week now. Not every time, but at least once or twice a day. I am so proud of her and she is proud of herself. :)

I spoke with a woman who has an autistic son and she is amazing. She has been so helpful, supportive and understanding with everything. It is good to talk to someone who knows how I am feeling and has been where I have been. I felt so much better after I talked to her and she gave me a lot of things to try with Landon that has helped her son. And I graduated with her other son, it is a small world. :) 

Mondays ugh.

   I am not a big Monday fan... and today was no exception. I woke up late of course, so I had to rush and rush to get the kids up. Landon is not a morning fan either, so it was difficult getting him up and moving. I probably would have been on time despite everything except for when I came into the living room this morning my cat had destroyed so much stuff, I couldn't believe it. It took everything I had not to beat the living daylights out of him, and I love animals... 

   

   He had tipped over my vase on the table and chewed and pushed my fall flowers into the floor. They were fake so they went everywhere. He had pushed our pumpkin decorations off into the floor and chewed on those. But the kicker was that because Steve had left his water glass on the counter (even though I tell him all the time not to), he knocked it over and water got everywhere. All over the counter, in the floor, soaking everything, including my phone. So it wasn't working. So I cleaned all this up and got the kids out the door. I got to Steve's work at 10:55, we had to be at therapy at 11.

   I left my phone with Steve and told him to fix it, which he did. I was able to compose myself at therapy, the quiet time helped, but I got half way home and realized I had left my book there, so I had to turn around and get that. Not to mention when I got home the kids decided to argue and fight over everything. I have a terrible headache today too! And of course, they are still sick, so I am still cleaning up snot and getting onto Landon about running around, he will cough himself into a vomit spell. Anyway, end of rant!

   Therapy went well today, I asked him to keep it low key because I didn't want Landon getting too hot so he wouldn't cough. So they made a craft and took it easy. I am going to get into with Teacch as his therapist suggested, it is 6 months to a year waiting list, so I have to get on now. I am glad we got to back today since he missed it last week, I just wish they would get over this stupid cold already! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Friday?

   It is Friday, although it feels like the middle of the week, and it has been a loooong never ending week. The kids are sick this week, have been all week, so I am walking around like a zombie. Halle starting throwing up at 3 in the morning on Sunday, of course in the middle of night, why can't it ever be in the day? So I was up all night with her. My mom took Landon to therapy that day while I stayed home with her. Her vomiting turned into a cold, drainage sometimes makes her sick. So she started getting a runny nose and fever. So I was taking care of her waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, for Landon to get it. Which he did on Tuesday. He started throwing up that evening and continued all night long. He always gets things worse, so he was much more sick then she was, and instead of throwing up every once in a while, it was constant, so I was up all night with him. He finally stopped in the morning, just in time for me to have to get up with Halle and be dead tired. I got no rest on Monday night, even though she slept ok, because I ended up having to get up early to take Landon to hi pediatrician to discuss his autism. So it was 3 days with little sleep, and I was grumpy! This cold is still holding on, Steve and I both are getting up every night at least a few times with both of them because they are coughing terribly. You would think they would be improving at least some what, but it is not the case. I am hoping they start feeling better soon! At least Steve will be here this weekend to help me.

   Anyhow, we met with the pediatrician Tuesday to fill him in on what was going on. He put some calls in to some therapists in the area who specialize in autistic children and their families. I got a call yesterday from the doctor I guess they picked out, (or the one who takes Medicaid). We have a meeting with her in a couple of weeks, so I am looking forward to that, she seemed nice over the phone. She actually called me herself, and not her staff. I am not so sure how Steve is going to do though, guys aren't much for talking about their feelings, especially when it's admitting fears and such. But we will see how it goes. I am also meeting with the Exceptional Children director of the school district for Landon to see if he qualifies for that. If he does, which I am sure he would, he can possibly go for a little while to a classroom where they have kids like him at, and people would work with him while he was there as well. But I think it would get him used to a school setting. They have to do their own evaluation of him and will set up an IEP, which is for school, to determine how he learns best, like if he needs a smaller classroom, one on one type things, or whatever. So I think we are making all kinds of progress and that makes me happy. We had to miss therapy Wednesday because he was really sick, but I am hoping he is feeling better enough to go back Monday. 

   So that has pretty much been my whole week. No play dates until everyone is better, so it has been hard on all of us being stuck at home all week, the kids are starting to fight with each other and whine all the time, and I am frankly tired of all the whining and just of being here!  

Diagnosis

   So we met with Landon's psychologist yesterday to get his diagnosis, and it was what we were thinking, that he has high functioning autism. It wasn't really a shock, but it was still difficult to hear. I guess no one wants to hear there is something wrong with their child, something they can't fix for them. I was hoping deep down they would tell me I was wrong, although I knew in my heart I wasn't. It is weird; I had fought for this so much, argued with people about it who thought I was wrong and crazy for even thinking it, which exasperated me because who knows my kid better then me? 

   But anyhow, I have been on such a long emotional roller coaster with this since the beginning. From being on my own and realizing there was something wrong with him and figuring it was up to me to find it and when I did finding a solution to get him to the doctor. So I dealt with the nosy Medicaid people and hoped we qualified which we did. Then having to sit and play dumb to our pediatrician who is a great doctor, but if I went in there and told him what I thought was wrong he wouldn't have heard anything but me trying to diagnose my kid and that wouldn't have been helpful to Landon, because he wouldn't have listened after that point. So I let him think he was telling me something I didn't already know to make him feel better, which normally would infuriate me but I played the game, because there is nothing I wouldn't do for this kid. Then weeks and weeks of waiting around for more appointments, testing, paperwork, mountains of it, not to mention trying to keep a normal, day to day life going for my kids and the rest of my family, even though some days when thinking about things all I wanted to do was stay in bed under my covers and cry all day. But I did it and now we are here. And I have to say, I am proud of myself. I am proud of what I have done for him, and that one day he can look back and say "wow, my mom loves me so much that she did all that." Because I don't provide anything for them. I don't work, so I am not putting food on the table, or buying them clothes, or keeping a roof over their head, their dad does all of that. And while I do the day to day stuff, it is all with stuff that I didn't provide. This is something I have done for him that no one else did. Because no one will ever love him as much as I do. But I know the fight isn't over; but a part of it is, and that makes me feel a little better.

   But I have to say, I hate this. I hate that he has this and that we are having to go through this. I don't want him to ever feel stupid or like an outsider in his own life. I want him to be happy and feel self confidence and self worth. Kids have it sooo hard already, being even more different will affect him and shape who he becomes for the rest of his life. I don't want someone chipping away at him bit by bit until he hates going to school or work. I am so afraid for him and feel so angry that this is happening to him and to us... he is so wonderful. I have never met a boy who is so sweet. And we are good people, we always do right by our kids. It is just not fair. But I of all people should know that life is not fair, I was just hoping my luck with life would not affect my kids. Oh well. 

   I will try to stay positive and just keep doing what I have been doing. We have lucked out at least with all the people involved with helping him, they really seem to care about what happens to him. I am grateful to all of them and to everyone who offers their support even though they don't know how to help or what to say. Well, that's it for now!