We are having a busy week. With the kids both being in school, we are having Christmas parties and programs to go to. I am looking forward to all of it. Tonight we go to Bounceville, tomorrow is Halle's party, and her Christmas program is Friday. I don't know how she will do... Landon's is Friday as well. 

But this week has been hard as well. A time that should be happy is not for everyone. Erika's niece died Thursday. We went to her visitation last night. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I have never seen a child in a coffin before. I have never had to tell parents that I was sorry for their child dying at age 9. I saw grown men, who I have never ever hardly see show any emotion, look at her and break down. Kids, her friends, saying goodbye to her as they are sobbing. It just doesn't seem right. It was beautiful though. Everything was pink, her coffin lining, the flowers, her clothes. I am not a spiritual person, a good bit of the time I don't believe in God. Things like this is a reason why. But, as well, it is times like these, I hope with everything that I have that I am wrong. I hope that she is in heaven, that she is happy. That her soul is at peace and isn't just over, just like that. I can't imagine anything worse then burying your child. And having to stand there beside her and talk to people as they tell you how sorry they are, when all you want to do is climb in with her and go wherever it was she went. That is what I would want to do. 

Even with how hard we have things with Landon, I consider us so very lucky. I always have, because losing one of my kids has always been my biggest fear, and I knew I could deal with anything as long as they were still here, living and breathing. So he may have autism and I may be afraid of how his life will be, but at least he is here for me to watch grow up. Katlyn will never get to experience so much, and that makes me so sad. I don't know anything anyone could say or do to make the family feel better. All that helps is time; and even then, as a parent I don't think you ever really forget. You have to keep going for the remaining kids that you left. I hope that their pain does go away. eventually.

Pink is the color of this post, for Katlyn, who has gave me a hard reminder that life is precious, and to cherish my kids as much as humanly possible. She will be missed so very much.

   I am writing with a heavy heart today... This post is sort of about my kids; but mostly about my friend, Erika and her niece, Katlyn. Katlyn is 9 now I think. She was diagnosed with cancer when she was 4. She beat it and went on to have a normal life for a few years. A couple of months ago she went out of remission. She went back to St. Jude's. A few days ago she got an infection. It is a fungal infection that is destroying her body. They gave her antibiotics and it didn't work. They were forced to  put her on a ventilator and a feeding tube. They did surgery on her today, removed muscle and bone, anything to get the infection out. It is so aggressive that they just don't know what else to do for her. She is being given some white blood cells tomorrow to see if that will help, but I don't think they are hopeful. They want her mom to make a decision after that about taking her off the ventilator. Her left lung is not working because of the surgery. They are not ready for this, to let her go. I am worried about her and Erika of course. She has loved her and her sisters since she began dating Nick. I know this will destroy her and that family. I am really hoping that things will turn around. I don't believe in God, in a higher power. But at times like these, I hope I am wrong. I hope that with everyone praying for her, someone will listen. And if it is her time to go, that it will be as peaceful as possible. 

I feel horrible because all this time I am so glad that it is not my kid going through that. What we deal with is hard to do on a daily basis but I can't even imagine it compares to what she is going through. I am thankful that my kids are healthy. I am just thankful for them, period. 

It makes me feel trite complaining about Landon getting a cold again. In our defense though, we are so tired! He has never got over the last cold when this one has hit him. He is soooo tired from not sleeping enough, I think it made his body get this much easier. It wouldn't be a big deal if he didn't take it so severely! He starts out with a sore throat, which leads to an upset stomach, and vomiting all night long. He starts to teeter on the edge if becoming dehydrated because for days he won't eat or drink. He can't sleep, which is great since he is already exhausted. Then Halle gets it and is starts all over. It just takes a lot out of all of us, and I don't look forward to it. And it lasts forever! This last cold lasted for over a month. He had just now started to lose the cough he had. Ugh. And now with this he misses school. I just hopes he gets over it quickly. I want him to be able to enjoy all the Christmas stuff. 

I'm tired

I am tired today... so it will be short.  I was up a lot last night. Worrying. Another big change in our household; Halle started school today. So I was up a lot thinking of what exactly this means. 

It means that for 3 hours, 2 days a week, I will have some honest to goodness free time. I haven't had that in so long that I don't know what to do with myself. With it being the morning, I am afraid all I am going to want to do is sleep. But I am going to try not to (at least all the time :)). But the biggest meaning I can see right now is that my babies are growing up... It is not like they are going off to college or anything, but this is where is starts. They are joining the world, doing and experiencing things without me. Depending and loving someone who is not me. It is a big change. It makes me feel bittersweet. I want this for them and for me and I know it has to happen, but it makes me feel empty too. Like I don't have a purpose and soon when they are both in school, I am afraid I am going to be lost. So that is what I am feeling today.

Halle, of course, did not like me when it was time for me to go... she actually yelled at me and screamed in my face, she was so mad. I finally just had to leave and I could hear her all the way down the hall. I came home and cried for a while. I felt terrible; I didn't want her to hate me. I didn't want to come back and see a look of distrust from her, like she could no longer count on me because I would leave her. I know it is silly, but who knows what they think at 3? I want her to be happy and well adjusted and normal. I know it will take time, I have been hearing it enough. But no one has to go through this but me. And right now, it sucks. 

Landon, on the other hand, had a great day today. My mom took him to school this morning so I could spend some time with Halle. He did okay with that. I was surprised to come into the room with his lead teacher and speech therapist rushing up to me and eager to tell me that he actually played with 3 boys today. Count them: not 1, not 2, but 3! Landon! He let them play with him and even spoke to them first... I was amazed and overjoyed. I have waited a long time to hear that: that he is on the way to having little slivers of normalcy. And what was even more fantastic was that the teachers were just as happy and proud as I was. It makes me feel even better about leaving him there. I know, it could have been an isolated incident and there is no telling when he will do it again. But the main thing is it happened at all. I am proud of him. And hopefully, it is just one time of many that he will be social. I am looking forward to finding out.